Laying It All Out There

Hello friends.

I hope this blog finds you well. I know I've been kind of MIA lately, and that really kind of bothers me. In my defense though, there has been a lot going on. 

Mo and I are currently on a "break". We have been for a couple of weeks. And obviously, since it wasn't my choice, this really bothers me. There were some issues caused by my work and some things in my past that he just didn't like and since they weren't changing, he figured this was his best way of helping me without falling back into his old patterns. I understand that, I really do... but at the same time I kind of need him to understand my side.

Let me just start with where I used to work... really sucked. My friend liked to tell me that I worked in EO violation environment, which means that several things went against the Army's Equal Opportunity policy. And not just because I am a female... although I think that might have come into play occasionally. My old boss... was for lack of better terms (and please forgive my language) a total and complete asshole. He was so set in his ways and he was given too much power because other people just didn't know any better. He has a reputation around not just Germany, but around the Army ATC community, and nobody likes him He doesn't understand just how miserable his subordinates are, either that or he knows and just doesn't care. There is a local national German man who works there, and a lot of us have issues with him, mostly us females because he can be mean and just downright rude. He doesn't like the American's very much (which amuses us since he works on an American base and I am pretty sure without us he wouldn't have a job at all with his attitude). He is one of the types of Germans I have been warned about prior or making this place my home. The guy in charge doesn't ever deal with him when he gets out of hand. He gets into fights with the boss and nothing gets done, whereas anyone else tried that they would either be fired (the civilians) or written up (military). It wasn't fair. Needless to say, the same friend also thinks that the boss just had something against me... and I would like to agree, but I might just be biased. I pretty much got crapped on every time I turned around. I went to a military mandated school and had it held against me, not to mention that the people that showed up after me all got farther along in the training program, no matter how hard I tried. 

Needless to say that once I was told I was going through a Medical Evaluation Board, and the determination was made that I can't stand or sit for too long, that I needed a cane to walk sometimes, and that I can't easily egress a building with 5 flights of stairs, it became clear that they needed to move me to another place of work. And let me just say thank god they did! I am so much happier now that I work somewhere else! Life is much better and I am much less stressed out now then I was. I have more energy after work, and I also get a lot more things done during the day (most days... some days I am still lazy as can be and just sit around watching Netflix)

I just recently found out that all my health problems, all the seemingly unreleated symptoms I was having, actually are related. I was having pain in seemingly random places, I've been known to have stress fractures in my foot and my hip, I have constant knee and hip problems, I have problems with my chest wall, seemingly random headaches that only appear in small portions of my head, not the entire head.... none of it made sense. It didn't help that although I was in a lot of pain, there wasn't much physical abnormalities outside of my knee popping and it trying to dislocate itself. That was a problem for doctors because to them, that meant that I was faking it. WRONG!!!! I was finally sent to a Rhuematologist at the end of last month and through some blood tests and other things, I was told I have Fibromyalgia. For those that don't know (like I didn't) it is a chronic pain disorder that occurs on both sides of your body, they don't know what causes it, and they don't have a cure. They are still experimenting with treatment's, most of which involve medication that treat other diseases and disorders. While it isn't life threatening, it is still something I have to live with every day for the rest of my life. And it does effect my quality of life. 

The good news is I now also see a counselor. She says I am farther along in dealing with my past then she originally thought. Her and I talk once a week. About anything. She is also rather impressed with how I am dealing with all of this medical stuff. I am in the process of being medically discharged from the Army with a potential medical retirement from the Army. I do my best not to focus on the medical problems because there is no reason to let it make me depressed or angry. I just need to adapt and make it a part of my life and not let it beat me. I'm trying. It just sometimes takes a little work.